Family Guy JT: Season 2
by storytellr
Summary: The season second to the supposedly hit fanfic remake of the hit FOX show, Family Guy. Enjoy!
1. Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater

**Chapter 1: Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater**

**Opening Credits**

_It seems today that all ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

_But where are those good, old-fashioned values_

_On which we used to rely_

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who_

_Positively can do_

_All the things that make us_

_Laugh n' Cry_

_He's_

_a_

_Fam_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**End**

It was another nice day at the Griffin's house. Inside, Stewie was on his high chair where it had a plate with a hot dog wiener on it.

"I say, mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself." Stewie said to Lois, who was busy taking plates out of the cupboard.

"Honey, I'll be right there." Lois responded to Stewie annoyed as she placed a couple of plates on the table.

"Oh, by all means, take your time." Stewie sarcastically affirmed to her, "Oh, and when you do finally get around to it, I'll be the one covered in flies with a belly that portrudes HALFWAY TO BLOODY BOSTON!"

"Mom, there is no way I'm sleeping in neither Chris' room this weekend!" Meg said to Lois as she entered the kitchen, "It smells like old milk in there!"

"Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up!" Chris affirmed Meg also entering the room.

"That we can believe." John remarked as he and Tyler, too entered the room to get something to drink in the fridge.

"And there's no way I'm sleeping in John and Tyler's room either!" Meg then said causing John to choke a bit on his milk after hearing her.

"Wha- What, uh?" John responded catching his breath from the milk he choked, "What makes you think you were gonna sleep in our room?"

"Yeah, and what's wrong with our room?" Tyler asked Meg.

"Well, for starters, it's really just the basement." Meg answered pointing out the obvious, "And it smells like old pizza down there!"

"Oh, that. Well, you see-" Tyler was about to explain until he realized what she said, "Wait. J-man, you still haven't finished that thing?"

"Hey, whenever I feel like it, I'll finish it." John testified, "That is if I can find it first."

"Eewww..." Meg exclaimed.

"Kids, keep it down." Lois said to John, Tyler, Meg and Chris, "I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visit."

"Who's Aunt Marguerite?-" John and Tyler am=lmost asked Lois, until Peter soon bursted through the door.

"Who said Marguerite?" Peter asked.

"Peter, it's just for a week." Lois affirmed Peter.

"A week?! Ah-" Peter cursed, but the swear words were all drowned out in the horns of a truck passing by outside. This continued until, "-Son of a-"

"Peter!" Lois reacted.

"Uh, were we supposed to hear all that?" Tyler asked Peter in concern.

"Now, boys, sometimes it's appropriate to swear." Peter affirmed Tyler.

"Like when?" Tyler asked.

**Cutaway #1**

It cut to a courtroom with Peter taking an oath with the Bailiff.

"Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God?" The Bailiff asked Peter.

"I do." Peter agreed, "...you bastard." This made the Bailiff angry.

**End**

"I love Aunt Marguerite." Lois said.

"What's so special about her, Mrs. Griffin?" John asked Lois.

"Because if it wasn't for her, I never would've met Mr. Griffin." Lois answered as she cuddled to Peter.

"I'll bet there's a good story there." Tyler said.

"There sure is, Tyler." Lois remarked, "There sure is."

It then flashes back to when Peter and Lois first met. It was at a resort's swimming pool where a younger Lois in a bikini got out of the pool.

"Aunt Marguerite, have you seen my towel?" Young Lois asked her Aunt Marguerite, who was sitting in a lounge chair reading a book.

"Have the towel boy bring you another." Aunt Marguerite told Lois.

"Oho, I don't wanna bother him." Lois said.

"Nonsense, dear." Aunt Marguerite insisted, "You're a Pewderschmidt. Towel Boy!"

She was calling to a younger Peter who worked as a towel boy, as the latter turned to the old broad, but was soon smitten by Lois, who in an almost slow-motion shot of her stroking her hair back still wet.

"Uh, hi, my-my name is towel. I have a Peter for you." Peter said to Lois nervously and accidentally getting the words mixed up.

This made Lois laugh.

"Uh-uh-uh, my-my name is Peter and I'll be your nipples- Towel Boy!" Peter reacted still messing up in front of her, "Ah, geez."

It cut back to the present, where it showed Aunt Marguerite arrived and at the door. We then see Lois and everyone in front of the other side of the door getting ready.

"Okay, everyone." Lois informed everyone, "Give Aunt Marguerite a big Griffin family welcome."

She then opened the door to reveal Aunt Marguerite.

"Aunt Marguerite!" Lois greeted her elderly aunt.

"Lois!" Aunt Marguerite greeted back, though a bit weak. But before she could say anything else, however, she then collapsed on the floor, giving Lois worry.

"Oh, my God!" Lois reacted as she knelt down to check her pulse, "She-She's dead!"

"Whoa!" Peter exclaimed from hearing what Lois said, "Heh, careful what you wish for, huh, guys?"

"What?!" John and Tyler reacted in unison.

"You were the one who wished for it, not us!" Tyler testified.

"You boys have no prove of that." Peter pointed out.

Suddenly as if on cue, John pulled out a tape recorder, played it and it revealed Peter's cursing at Aunt Marguerite earlier.

"Uh. Well, except that." Peter remarked shortly afterwards.

The family then attended Aunt Marguerite's funeral at the Quahog Funeral Home. Everyone was sad to see Aunt Marguerite go as Lois was in tears from losing her favorite family member.

"W-What if they bury her and she, like, wakes up because she wasn't really dead, she was only sleeping?" Chris asked Meg, John and Tyler as they were beside Aunt Marguerite's coffin.

"I wonder about that, too." Tyler agreed.

"Yeah. That's what happened to our big brother, Jimmy." Meg teased Chris, "That's why mom and dad adopted you."

John and Tyler laughed at her joke.

"What?" Chris exclaimed in shock and worry.

I'm gonna go see what Mr. and Mrs. Griffin are doing." John informed the others.

"I'll go with you." Tyler said as he and John left to find Peter and Lois. They found them chatting with a relative of Lois'.

"Hey, Mrs. Griffin." John greeted, "What's going on here?"

"Oh, boys, I'm so glad you're here right." Lois said as she then introduced them to her friend, "John, tyler, this is Coco, my friend from Newport. Coco, these are John and Tyler. They're the boys I was telling you about."

"Oooo, they are certainly quite handsome." Coco praised the duo as she then pinched John's cheek as if he was a little cheek, but John srugged it off as he rubbed his cheek, "Are they your kids?"

"Oh, no." Lois chuckled, "They're guests and are staying with us for the moment."

"Oh, that's a relief." Coco remarked in relief, "Because if they were, I would've suspected that they were taught by Peter here how to serve towels to everyone."

Peter then made a stern face after hearing what Coco said.

"Huh?" John and Tyler exclaimed in unison.

"Lois, where are your parents?" Coco asked Lois, "Don't tell me they're still on safari."

"You know daddy." Lois said, "He won't rest until he kills something on every continent, he-eh. But I'm hoping they'll be back in for Christmas. That way they'll get to meet the boys."

"Yeah, it just wouldn't be Christmas without your parents not knowing about John and Tyler." Peter remarked.

"What are they like?" Tyler asked Peter.

"Oh, don't get me started about them." Peter said.

**Cutaway #2**

Peter was in a guest room with Lois' parents. The father glanced at Peter and took out a pocket watch, where he soon threw it by the fireplace.

"Oh, I dropped my watch, " Lois' father lied to get Peter's attention, "Peter, woud you be a sport and fetch it for me?"

"Sure thing, Mr Pewderschmidt." Peter volunteered, unaware that it was a trap as Lois' father then kicked Peter into the fireplace and the latter started to panicking on fire.

"Peter, we gotta put that out!" The father acknowledged as he picked up a log and started beating Peter with it. The mother laughed at this.

**End**

"I'm telling ya, guys, nothin' changes." Peter said to John, Tyler and Brian, "These bluebeards still treat me like scum just 'cause I'm not loaded. Well, I got news for them. I'm as elegant as anyone in this room."

"Peter, we have to meet with Aunt Marguerite's lawyer tomorrow." Lois informed Peter, "She left us something in her will."

"Holy CRAP!" Peter exclaimed in excitement, "Oh, you sweet old broad, I love you!" Suddenly, Peter then picked up Aunt Marguerite's corpse and began waltzing with it around, catching the concern of the mourners and Lois' embarassment.

"Mr. Griffin!" Tyler called to Peter, "You're disrespecting the dead!"

"Yeah, put it back! Quick!" John joined in, "You're making a scene!"

Peter then stopped after realized what John and Tyler meant and what he had done and immediately dropped the body on the floor.

"O, my God." Peter lied, "She's dead."

The next day, Peter and Lois visited Aunt Marguerite's lawyer, Arthur Plimpton at his office.

"Madam Pewderschmidt's passing has saddened us all." Arthur Plimpton acknowledged.

"Yeah, it's a real tragedy." Peter said, "What do we get? What do we get? Come on, big money! Big money! No whammy! No whammy! STOP!"

"Peter, please!" Lois ordered Peter, "I'm sorry. He's stricken with grief."

"Before she passed, your aunt recorded a message for you." Mr. Plimpton explained as he turned on the TV behind him.

The video played an introduction first to where Aunt Marguerite lived.

"Newport, Rhode Island, home of New England's most elegant and historic estates." The announcer on the tape said, "The Breakers, Rosecliff, and exquisite Cherrywood Manor, the palatial mansion of Marguerite Pewderschmidt. Marguerite is a shining example of how people with a lot of money are just plain better than everyone else."

"Lois, you were always my favorite." Aunt Marguerite said to Lois, "I just knew you'd find a wonderful man who would make all your dreams come true. But I was wrong."

Cuts to Peter and Lois.

"And now you're dead." Peter scoffed, "Score one for Peter."

Lois shushed Peter to hear more of Aunt Marguerite's message.

Cuts back to Aunt Marguerite on the screen.

"It's time you started living like a Pewderschmidt." Aunt Marguerite insisted, "That's why I'm giving you my summer home in Newport."

Cuts back to Peter and Lois.

"Cherrywood?" Lois exclaimed in surprise, "That's so generous of Aunt Marguerite."

"Wow, our own summerhouse!" Peter acknowledged in excitement, "Now I feel kinda bad for doing that thing with her toothbrush."

The family then arrived at the manor as they passed through the gates and drove through the driveway. John, Tyler, Meg and Chris gazed at the exterior of the mansion in awe and as the car pulled up by the entrance, a song parodying _Annie_ soon followed.

_We only live to kiss your ass_

"No, thanks!" John and Tyler rejected in unison.

"Kiss it?" One of the servants said, "Hell, we'll even wipe it for you."

"Again. No, thanks!" Tyler repeated.

_From her on in, it's Easy Street_

"What about Hard Street?" Tyler asked.

"It's right over there." The same servant from before pointed to Tyler a rundown, stereotypically crime-invested street literally called "Hard Street."

"I'm gonna stay over there for the next 2 minutes." Tyler said as he headed toward Hard Street.

(A/N: That's the running time of the song. I just thought this would be funny.)

"Any bars on Easy Street?" Peter asked the servant.

"24 happy hours a day." The servant replied.

"Oh, boy." Peter exclaimed in excitement.

It then cut to the front gate with two guards.

_We'll stop Jehovahs at the gate_

"Can I see that pamphlet, sir?" The guard asked the Jehova's Witness, whom handed it to him and the guard slapped the Witness.

_My God, this house is freakin' sweet_

Peter was soon pulled into a twirl by a maid and the family entered the mansion. It then showed a bearded chef.

_I make brunch_

_Clive cooks lunch_

_[Both chefs]_

_Each and every day_

Then another chef jumped in.

_Chocolate cake_

_ala Blake_

_[Peter]_

_Hundred buck_

_Blake is gay_

"You're on!" Tyler appeared and agreed to Peter's bet.

"What the hell?" Peter exclaimed after seeing Tyler, "What are you doing here?"

"Yeah, you said you were gonna be over at that Hard Street for the rest of the song." John reminded Tyler.

"I was, but it was too much for me to handle." Tyler explained, "Plus, there were a couple of gang members trying to shoot me. But they missed every shot." As he said this, it them showed Tyler's back filled with bullet holes behind him as blood bled from the holes, "Besides, I want to settle down on Medium Street."

"I don't think there is a Medium Street, Tyler." John acknowledged.

"Actually, there's one over there between Expert Street and Intense Street at Difficulty Drive." The same servant said.

Then some servants surrounded around Meg.

_We'll do the best we can with Meg_

"What's that supposed to mean?" John asked them in confusion.

"Are you saying I'm ugly?" Meg asked them in concern.

"It doesn't matter, dear." A maid assured her, "You're righ now."

"But she's not ugly!" John testified in Meg's defense, "Are you people even listening to me?!"

_We'll do your nails and rub your feet_

"Oh, that's not nece-" Lois tried to shrug off the servants' offer, but was soon entranced by the experience, "Oh, my..."

_We'll do your homework every night_

"It's really hard." Chris said.

"That's why we got that Stephen Hawking guy." The main servant informed Chris as he pointed to Stephen Hawking in front of them.

_My God, this house is freakin' sweet_

He then got Lois out of the chair she was sitting in earlier and danced on the staircase with her.

_Used to pass_

_Lots of gas_

_Everyone ran away_

He gave her a twirl as she stopped by the edge of the stairway.

_Now we've got_

_30 rooms_

_Hello, beans_

_Goodbye, spray_

He then pulled out a can of air freshener and sprayed it around the screen.

"We'll all still run!" Tyler said to Peter.

The servants caught Peter.

_We'd take a bullet just for you_

"Oh, what a coincidence." Stewie remarked at the servants' lyrics and he removed the head of his teddy bear, Rupert to reveal it to be actaully a gun, "I've got o-" The gun was blasted out of Stewie's hand by a blast of energy. It panned behind Stewie to reveal that Tyler was the one to have shot the blast using his Chaos Emeralds.

"So do I." Tyler said.

_Prepare to suck that golden teat_

_Now that you're stinking rich_

_We'll gladly be your bitch_

_My God, this house _

_Is_

_[All]_

_Freakin'_

_Sweet!_

"Welcome!" The servants greeted, ending the song.

The servants carrying Peter at the end of the song then put him down where one of the maids came up to Peter.

"That's a wrap, people!" The maid informed the other servants as she gave Peter the keys to the mansion, "Now, let's get the hell out of here."

"Huh?" John and Tyler exclaimed in unison confused at what the maid meant.

"Hey, wait a second." Peter hesitated, "Where are you goin'?"

"The old bag only paid us up through the song." The maid explained to Peter.

"Aw, that's not fair... oh, well." Tyler said.

"An elderly rich woman who's never paid her own hard-working servants except for a song after her death?" John acknowledged in outrage, "That ain't right!"

"Well, we can just pick up after ourselves." Lois addressed, "After all, we'll only be here on weekends."

"No, no, Lois." Peter protested, "It's time you started living like the Piece of Schmidt you are."

"That's 'Pewderschmidt'." Lois corrected her husband.

"Wa-Wait, you guys!" Peter stopped the servants who were about to leave, "You're all hired to be full-time Griffin servants."

"Peter, where are we gonna get the money to pay all these people?" Lois asked Peter about his decision.

"Yeah, after what I've witnessed from these people, forget it!" John testified as he was about to leave with Tyler.

"Uh, actually, I wouldn't that if I were you, John." Peter said to John.

"Why not?" John asked.

"Simple. I, uh, sold our house in Quahog." Peter confessed.

"WHAT?!" John and Tyler reacted.

""You sold our home?!" Lois reacted also.

"Surprise!" Peter exclaimed in nervousness.

"Peter, how could you?!" Lois demanded in outrage at Peter's stunt.

"Whoops." Peter exclaimed in realization, then broke out in song.

_I recognize that tone_

_Tonight I sleep alone_

_But, still-_

_[Now with servants]_

_This house_

_Is_

_Freakin'_

_Sweet!_

John and Tyler groan in irritation after that.

"Peter, how could you sell our house in Quahog without even asking me?" Lois asked Peter about his decision.

"Oh, honey, this is where you belong." Peter reasoned, "You deserve a big house and nice stuff. You know, like diamonds."

"Why?" John asked, "Because she's a girl?"

"No!" Peter protested, "...okay, a little."

**Cutaway #3**

It cuts to the infamous "Diamonds are Forever" commercial, where the silhouette of a man inserting a visible ring onto the finger of another silhouette of a woman. They then kiss and the woman soon goes down offscreen and only shows the man, who soon tilts his head back and smiles in pleasure.

(A/N: You can probably guess what this means. And BTW, this is actually from the commentary of the original episode. I'm not joking! They were gonna go further at this joke. Seriously, just watch and listen to this episode's commentary on disc 2 of _Family Guy Vol. 1_ and hear what they have to say about this.)

Before it goes further, it soon cuts to a black title card reading "DIAMONDS. She'll pretty much have to."

**End**

"But I love our old house." Lois professed, "You have to buy it back."

"Ah, it's too late for that." Peter informed Lois, "Our stuff is already packed. It's on its way here."

"As much as you expect me to agree on this, me and Tyler are never gonna be living in this prison." John testified against Peter's idea.

"Same here!" Tyler agreed.

"Boys, I'd love to be back in our old home in Quahog as much as you both do." Lois said, "But at the moment, this is the only place we have to stay."

"Yeah, and come on, you guys are gonna love living in Newport." Peter persuaded both Lois, John and Tyler, "Sure, this house is big, but it's also very intimate."

The last words he spoke, "intimate" then echoed throughtout the room two times.

"But this place is just creepy." Tyler claimed, which, like Peter, the last word in Tyler's statement were echoed a few times.

"Echo!" Tyler exclaimed, hoping it would end up the same thing, but 3 seconds passed and there was nothing but silence, "DARN IT! Well, we don't care! J-man and I are not gonna live here!"

"Then... where will you go?" Lois asked them concernly, "How will you get food? How are you both gonna get by without us?"

John and Tyler, however, didn't answer and their eyes shifted to each other. It soon cut to the Griffins outside the back of the mansion where it showed John and Tyler across the property's borders. John then plucked a whole oak tree out of its place and placed it on its side.

(A/N: This was actually a large tree almost the size of a ordinary bathroom. I'm sorry if this is lazy writing here, but I just thought this scene would be interesting.)

Then, Tyler used Chaos Spear at both the base and the top of the now-fallen tree. John then started to tunneling into the tree to make space inside. He also punched out holes each next to the bigger hole he made earlier, which acts as a entrance.

"THIS IS WHERE WE'LL BE FOR NOW ON!" John hollered to the Griffins from the distance, "AS FOR FOOD, WELL, WE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING!" He and Tyler then entered the log home they built.

"John and Tyler, you both get back here right no-" Lois ordered the duo from the other side, but before she could finish, a bolt of lightning struck the log house that John and Tyler made and it caught on fire. John and Tyler then bursted out of the log house, where they were also on fire.

"AAHHH!" John screamed in pain, "OUR HOUSE! IT'S ON FIRE!" He then began to stop, drop and roll.

"AND SO ARE WE!" Tyler reminded his best friend while still on fire, "BUT HOW CAN THIS BE?! THERE'S NOT A CLOUD IN THE-"

Just as he had said that, however, he and John were soon put out and then drenched by an unexpected nor unscheduled rain storm.

"...sky..." Tyler then finished his statement.

It then cut back to the foyer, where the Griffins were still where they were before John and Tyler's attempt at living on their own. Just then, two servants came up with John and Tyler, who are now completely covered in soot.

"The gentlemen you requested to bring in, madame." One of the servants informed Lois.

"Thank you." Lois thanked the servants who brought in John and Tyler, whom she soon turned her attention to, "Now, as for you two, this is exactly the kind of thing I was warning you both about earlier. From now on, no matter where we stay, you guys are to do the same thing as you are also part of the family. Understood?"

"Yes." They agreed gruntly in unison, "'Cause we were thinking of going back here, anyway." As Tyler said that, the duo then passed out.

"So, we're really gonna living here now?" Meg asked with a hint of excitement, where the words "Echo!" from Tyler earlier finally echoed throughout the room.

"OH, NOW IT GOES!" Tyler remarked in anger.

"That's right, honey!" Peter assured his daughter.

"I don't know, Peter." Lois said warily.

"Please, mom." Meg begged Lois, then turned her attention to her right, "Look, there's a pool."

"So?" John asked.

"Yeah." Chris said, "And there's a diving board."

"WHERE?!" Tyler shouted as he rushed to where Chris pointed.

The Griffins were now being shown around the house by the head servant, where Stewie runs off from the group a bit.

"The solarium is at the far end of the west wing." The butler told the family while Stewie was exploring a bit on his own until he was approached by the twins from _The Shining_.

"Come play with us, Stewie." The twins recommended to Stewie dullfully, "Forever and ever and ever."

Yes, all work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy." Stewie remarked.

John and Tyler then came up behind Stewie and saw what was going on.

"Hey, look!" Tyler pointed on, "It's the-"

But before Tyler could finish, however, Stewie pulled out a bazooka and fired at the twins, possibly killing them.

"You were saying?" John asked Tyler.

"Never mind." Tyler answered.

The trio got back to the tour without anyone noticing they were gone.

"And across the hall from the library, we have the billiard room." The butler informed the Griffins as he stopped at a door in front of him, "And here we have the lounge." He opened the door to show the room.

Brian immediately took notice and gasped in amazement. "Sweet Mary, mother of God!" Brian exclaimed, "Jackpot!" He then zoomed to the bar in anticipation.

"What can I get you, sir?" A bartender popped up from behind the bar and greeted Brian, "We have 10 varieties of single malt scotch and a wine cellar with over 10,000 bottles." He said as he held up a book entitled, "Wine List Newport Country Club" on the cover.

Brian then turned to Lois.

"Don't make me beg." Brian pleaded.

"Well, I did love spending time here when I was a kid." Lois acknowledged.

"Alright, mom!" Chris praised his mother's decision.

The next night after the Griffins' new stay at Cherrywood, they get invited to dinner over at the Yacht Club of Newport (sign noted) by Lois' cousin from earlier in the eipsode, Coco. In the restaurant, they were already having their supper.

"Jonathan and I just returned from sailing our yacht around the world." Coco told the Griffins.

"Oh, oh, funny sailing story." Peter brought up.

"I love stories." Tyler exclaimed in interest.

"Oh, you want to hear it?" Petert asked Tyler, wondering about what the latter meant.

"Yeah, tell me." Tyler insisted.

"Alright. This guy's on his boat, in the middle of the ocean, right?" Peter explained, "And he sees a little black dog. And let me tell ya, this dog's been swimming for days and he stinks like a dead otter, right?"

"Peter, maybe this isn't the place for that-" Lois tried to persuade Peter to cancel the story.

"Oh, come on, Mrs. Griffin." Tyler said to Lois, "I wanna know how the story plays out."

"Yeah, see? Tyler wants to hear more." Peter pointed out to Lois, who took a sip of her water in nervousness knowing how the story ends up, "Anyway, so the guy takes the dog into the vet."

"Yeah?" Tyler said.

"And the freakin' vet tells him, get this, 'It's not a dog.'"

"What was it?" Tyler asked curiously.

"'It's a rat.'" Peter answered, "A big, stinking Mexican rat. True story." This lead to two men nearby to lose their appetites suddenly.

"No way!" Tyler exclaimed in amazement at hearing Peter's answer.

"Tyler, that's just an urban legend." Meg informed Tyler.

"No way, it has to be true!" Tyler insisted.

"Do you believe everything you hear?" John asked Tyler.

"NO!" Tyler yelled, "...maybe."

"Yeah, Hand to God." Peter agreed with Tyler, "I'm telling you, it was a-a huge, freakin' rat."

"How big was it?" Tyler asked Peter in curiosity.

"Five times as big as that guy's steak." Peter answered whilst poiting to a man closeby trying to cut his steak, but also lost his appetite.

"Oh, Peter, that rat gets bigger every time you tell this story." Lois assurely praised her husband.

"Oh, I've got a million of them." Peter proclaimed, "Like this time my buddy's sister's boss. He was drinking with a hooker in this Vegas bar." He said this as Coco was using her napkin, then a slam on the table made her jump, "BAM! Woke up without his kidney."

"No wa-" Tyler was about to say before realizing, "Wait, that didn't sound right, did it?"

Then suddenly, a man at a table behind Peter throws up over the window he was next to after hearing Peter's story.

The next day, Peter and Brian were lounging in the pool while John and Tyler were soaking their feet in it whilst still in their regular clothes at the pool's side.

"Aw, I can't believe they kicked me out of the yacht club." Peter moped about last night, "I barely had time to stuff Lois' salmon in my jacket."

"Face it, Peter." Brian said to Peter floating by him, "You have a knack for saying the wrong thing."

"Huh, this sucks." Peter complained, "Lois' friend 'yacht boy' and his lovely wife 'Caca' invited us to some hoity-toity auction tomorrow afternoon. I don't want to embarass her again. You gotta help me, guys. Teach me how to be a gentleman."

"You guys go do whatever you want." John told his peers as he put his socks and shoes back on, "I'm gonna go see what everyone else is doing." He then walked off, leaving Peter, Brian and Tyler to themselves.

"Mr. Griffin, it's not that hard." Tyler assured Peter, "You just need to be nice towards people, that's all."

"He's right." Brian agreed, "Ehh, let's start with polite conversation." He then took his sunglasses off as he said this, "For example, 'It's a pleasure to see you again.' Tyler."

"'Yes, lovely weather we're having'." Tyler finished the example.

"See?" Brian asked Peter as he put his sunglasses back on, "Now you try."

"It's a pleasure to see you again." Peter repeated what Brian said, seemingly showing that he was doing good so far, until, "After _Hogan's Heroes_, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. How's that?"

"Wow. Just. Wow." Was all Tyler could respond after hearing what Peter said.

"Yes, perfect. My work is done." Brian sarcastically agreed, "But just for the heck of it, let's try again."

Meanwhile, John had already reached the west wing exterior of the mansion, where the rest of the family was having breakfast.

"More coffee, madame?" The butler offered Lois.

"Oh, I can get that, Sebastian." Lois insured her servant, "To tell you the truth, we're all a little uncomfortable being waited on."

"Cut my eggs." Stewie ordered a servant who was standing there holding both a fork and knife and did as Stewie told him to do.

"Your eggs are cut, sir." The servant informed Stewie.

"Cut my milk!" Stewie then ordered the servant holding up his milk.

"I can't, sir." The servant addressed Stewie, "It's liquid."

"Imbecile!" Stewie called the servant, "Freeze it, then cut it! And if you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail. And I promise, I won't make it easy on you!"

"Well, I see you're all enjoying yourselves." John greeted the family.

"Oh, hello, John." Lois greeted back, "Where's Tyler?"

"He's with Mr. Griffin and Brian rightn now." John explained.

"Oh, alright." Lois said as she then turned her attention to Meg, "And Meg, you're gonna love Newport High. It has a beautiful campus."

"Yeah, filled with beautiful people." Meg remarked, "And I'm gonna bag me a rich one."

"Meg, that's a terrible thing to say." Lois said at Meg's comment, "You should marry someone you love. That's what I did."

"Yeah, and he got us kicked out of the yacht club." Meg remarked sarcastically.

"Hey, that's your dad you're talking about, little lady." John testified before thinking and then turning to Lois, "By the way, why did you chose Mr. Griffin over your status in high society? I mean, besides being himself."

"Well, John, that's the reason I fell in love with him in the first place." Lois told John.

"Really?" John responded intrigued.

"Yep. (sighs) He was so different from everyone else." Lois explained as she wavered her unfolded napkin around.

It then flashed back to Lois' youth where she was attending a ball with other patrons of high society. Coco was waltzing with her future husband.

"Coco, the day I graduate from Harvard, I'm gonna carry you into the sunset on a white horse." Jonathan said to his future wife.

"It better be a stretch horse with leather seats and a chauffeur." Coco insisted to his comment.

"Isn't she a bit of terrific?" Jonathan asked Lois, who was already annoyed at their snootiness as they laughed and waltzed back onto the dance floor.

A gentleman then offered a dance with her, but gently declined his offer. She then walked over to a balcony, where she soon heard a bit of rock music coming from below. it was coming from a party being thrown by the resort staff. Lois, clearly more interested in that than the ball, decided to go down and join them. As she opened the door, it showed all the servants partying with each other, including Peter, who was already dancing with another woman, who was blonde and wearing a red outfit. He then looked up and found Lois by the door looking right back at him with a smile. His jaw dropped as he couldn't believe his eyes as he saw Lois Pewderschmidt right there, showing to even wanting to have a dance with him. Peter then dropped the woman he was already dancing with and started to swing his way to the entrance of the room where Lois was. His date gets up and gets easily angered by this. Peter reaches Lois and begins dancing with her. This scene is pretty much that of a similar scene from _Dirty Dancing_.

After the dance, Lois drifts back into reality with her children around her arms.

"Wow." John exclaimed impressed by Lois' story, "That explains a lot."

"Kids, if you marry for love, your life will be filled with its own riches," Lois taught John, Meg and Chris, "Money doesn't buy happiness."

As they were leaving, Stewie was still in his high chair, which now had three bells placed on its tray.

"Oh, I beg to differ." Stewie disagreed with his mother.

"I can already see you being turned by your own men." John remarked at Stewie's possible demise.

"GET OUT!" Stewie shoutedly demanded and John then left.

After that, Stewie rings all three of the bells, summoning three servants before him.

"You!" Stewie said and pointed to the servant at his right, "Bring me the _Wall Street Journal_!" The servant immediately dashed off to do as Stewie told him, "You two..." Stewie then said and pointed to the other remaining servants, "...fight to the death!"

The two servants then did as they were told as the one on the left grabbed a vase, smashed its base to make use as a weapon and dared the other to attack, whom instead broke off a curtain bar to use as a staff. After circling for a few seconds, the one holding the curtain bar slashed the other's chest, leaving a slice on his suit... Okay, you know what, I'm not gonna bother writing this scene down for you guys. You already know what it is and have seen it plenty of times before. You can probably already guess that by now.

Anyway, meanwhile, Tyler and Brian were still trying to help Peter become a gentleman. And yes, I will tell you what happens here. Peter was strapped to an electric chair.

"Okay, Peter." Brian said to Peter, "Me and Tyler were hoping we wouldn't have to resort to shock therapy but your progress has been-"

"Are you kidding?" Tyler asked Tyler, "What progress?"

"Yeah, who're we kidding? We haven't made any progress."

"Now the left TV is tuned to _Frasier_." Tyler then told Peter.

"Yes, and the right TV is _Ricki Lake_." Brian followed, "If you so much as to glance at the right TV, we're giving you 10,000 volts."

"Got it." Peter then told them.

It then cut to the TV showing an episode of _Frasier_.

"Well, Frasier..." Niles said to Frasier, "You're so corpulent that when you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa, you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa."

Cuts back to Tyler and Peter

"That, of course." Tyler said as he was giving an applaud to what happened, "I never thought of it that way."

"Huh. This is the smartest show on TV." Peter then acknowledged.

"Yo, Ricki, that's my girlfriend." Ricki's voice from the right TV said offscreen, "She ain't supposed to be having no penis!"

This managed to get Peter's attention and soon, Brian pushed the button on the remote, I guess, and Peter got eletricuted and then passed out.

"Master Brian." Sebastian asked Brian and Tyler, "do you really believe you can pass him off as a gentlemen at the auction?"

"Well, we've got a long road ahead." Brian responded, "But, uh... Hey, I've worked miracles before."

"What kind?" Tyler asked Brian.

**Cutaway #4**

It cut to the 1993 Academy Awards ceremony, where the presenter at the stand.

"And the Academy Award for Best Supportive Actress goes to..." The presenter on stage announced as he then held up the winning vote, "... Marisa Tomei!"

It then cut to a young Brian sitting between Marisa Tomei and Jack Nickolson. Marisa is delighted to have won and gives Brian a thank-you kiss on his nose, leaving a kiss mark behind. Brian then shakes hands with Jack Nickolson.

**End**

The next day, Peter and Lois attended the auction Peter said about at the Newport Historical Society with John, Tyler and Brian accompanying them.

(A/N: In case you want to know, Peter allowed them in just so they could help out.)

Inside, Lois was with John, Tyler and Brian waiting for Peter.

"Peter was supposed to meet us here an hour ago." Lois acknowledged about Peter's tardiness, "I hope he didn't change his mind."

"Well, maybe he's already here." Brian claimed, "Maybe he's fitting in so well, we just can't tell him from the other bluebloods."

"Heh!" John laughed off Brian's claim, "Good one."

"Well, I don't think we have to worry about that." Lois chuckled agreeing with John, both knowing what Brian said wouldn't be true.

Then suddenly, a trumpet fanfare played from a stairway to Lois, John, Tyler and Brian's right and it showed a man dressed as a Victorian announcer. He unrolled his scroll and began to read.

"'Lord Peter Lowenbrau Griffin the First.'" The announcer addressed and moved away to reveal Peter dressed as a Newport gentlemen, where he placed on his top hat and twisted his mustache.

"Play me down the stairs, boys." Peter said to the trumpeteers who were playing the fanfare earlier and they started playing classical music on their trumpets. "Good day." Peter greeted to the first person he passed by walking down the stairs, "Echante." He greeted another, "Pasta Fazul." he said to yet another as he dropped a coin in the man's hat, whom the latter was holding upside down.

Lois gasped at what she saw.

"What the heck?!" John reacted at seeing Peter in his new persona.

Peter then walked up in front of a statuesque woman in a lavender dress.

"Mmm, lookin' good, fellas." Peter complimented spying through opera visors at the woman's cleavage, who didn't seem bothered by it.

"John, do you know anything about this?" Lois suspected toward John.

"Not me!" John admitted, "I had nothing to do with it!"

"Tyler?" Lois then turned her attention to Tyler.

"I didn't do it, either!" Tyler confessed, "I gave the job to-" Tyler soon paused at what he just said and then turned toward Brian, suspecting it was his work, "Brian, was this the 'miracle' you told me before?"

"Tyler, please." Brian said, "I'm just a dog... a stupid dog."

A waitress was passing by next to Brian, whom he turned to.

"Vodka stinger with a whiskey back." Brian ordered the waitress, "And step on it!"

"Brian's got the right idea." Tyler then remarked at Brian's idea, "Ma'am, could you bring me something, too, please? I need something to help me forget about something." The waitress then left, "AND I DON'T MEAN LIQUOR!"

Later, Lois and John were with Peter, who was chatting with Coco and her husband, Jonathan.

"Peter, you're simply enchanting." Coco complimented to Peter, "You must join us tomorrow for a game of baccarat."

"Mmm, right baccarat at ya." Peter said.

Coco and Jonathan let out a gentle laugh towards Peter's comment.

"What's baccarat?" John said to himself as he noticed Lois walking away, "Mrs. Griffin?" He then went to reach up with her. They ended up at a bar where Brian and Tyler were sitting there.

"Brian, what happened to Peter." Lois asked Brian, "He's not cramming hors d'oeuvres in his mouth or asking anyone to pull his finger. (sighs) That's not the man I married."

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Grffin." John said to Lois feeling bad for her, whilst at the same time trying to confort her, "If it makes you feel better, I'll try to help figure out what's wrong with Peter."

"Oh, John. That's so sweet of you to do." Lois said back to John.

"So, I'm guessing that means you two are already into each other, then?" Brian said slurly, obviously drunk.

"What?!" John and Lois exclaimed at Brian's response.

"Lighten up, toots." Brian drunkenly insisted as he also slapped Lois' rear, making both her and John turn in anger, "It's a party."

"Yeah, J-man, lighten up!" Tyler chuckled also sounding a little off.

"Tyler, didn't you even listen to what Brian just said?" John questioned Tyler.

"... No..." Tyler just said.

"(sigh) Alright, 1: he assumed me and Mrs. Griffin were sexually attracted to each other." John pointed out to Tyler, "And 2: Mrs. Griffin is kind of like our own step mom right now. So, now do you see the meesed up message here?"

"Oohhh..." Tyler then exclaimed, but suddenly, he started laughing hysterically for no reason, "I don't get it!"

"Tyler, what's with you?" John asked Tyler.

"I don't know. I'm just happy, I guess." Tyler answered, "I drink this juice that the waitress served me and now I can't stop laughing." Tyler then laughed again after he said this.

Lois then took the glass from Tyler's hand and found the solution to Tyler's strange behavior.

"Tyler, this isn't juice. It's gin!" Lois informed Tyler, making it clear that he was drunk.

"Ooohhh... (laughs) No wonder it tasted funny. I LOVE IT!" Tyler drunkly cheered.

"Yeah, that's the spirit, Tyler. Wooo!" Brian praised Tyler, also drunk as he turned to the bartender, "Hey, barkeep! My friend and I here need more drinks over here! It's like the damn Sahara over here!"

"Yeah!" Tyler joined in, "Like the dang Sahara over here!"

"Oh, no, you're not, young man!" Lois protested in outrage as she then grabbed Tyler by the ear, pulling him out of his seat, "When we get get home, we are going to have a serious talk."

"But, Mrs. Griffin, I love gin." Tyler said to Lois.

"Not when you get your hangover you won't." Lois demanded, "I do not want any of my children, including you boys, to be drinking underage. Understood?"

"You don't need to tell me twice." John told Lois.

"Hey, come on, Lois." Brian said to Lois, "The kid's having his first taste of alcohol in his life and celebrating it. So, let him have his fun-"

Then a woman came up to the bar, much to Brian's interest.

"Hey, how ya doin', honey?" Brian greeted the woman.

It then cut to the auction, which was about to start.

"Welcome to the Historical Society Auction." The auction's host, Mr. Brandywine, greeted the attendants, "Our first item is a 17th-century gilded vessel. We'll start the bidding at $140,000."

"What a marvelous vessel." Peter remarked, "It would look smashing in Lois' crapper. I mean 'crapier'."

"You are so right." Coco agreed with Peter, "Any woman would love to have that vase adorn her crapier. Jonathan!"

Jonathan was caught by surprise from his wife's demand.

"Oh, uh, $140,000." Jonathan said starting the bid.

"$150,000." Peter then said, going up a bit.

Cuts back to the bar with Lois, John, Tyler and Brian.

"Boys, that sounded like Peter." Lois acknowledged.

"Yeah, it did." John agreed, "I wonder what's going on over there."

"Hey, come here, you!" Brian drunkenly said as he tried to grab his own tail, laughing after managing to grab.

"Lemme get it." Tyler also drunkly said to Brian, wanting to grab his tail, too, "I want the white thing, too!"

They both laughed as they each grabbed Brian's tail and soon fall over.

Meanwhile, back at the auction.

"$160,000." Jonathan bidded.

"$170,000." Peter soon bidded.

"$180,000!" Jonathan bidded, earer to beat Peter.

"$190,000!" Peter then bidded, beating Jonathan even further.

Then, suddenly, he got up and declared, "$200,000."

This got the attention of everyone but Peter at Jonathan's risky bid.

Lois, however, then gave a smile in relief to this. The same went for John.

"We have a new record for the Historical Society!" Mr. Brandywine acknowledged, but Peter was still determined to win the vase, "The vessel goes to-"

"$100 million!" Peter declared at the last minute.

Hearing this, Lois dropped her glass in shock, while John's jaw dropped to the floor in cartoonish fashion.

"To Mr. Peter Griffin." Mr. Brandywine then said, "For an astonishing $100 million!"

Peter posed in victory as Mr. Brandywine said this.

John and Lois, however, were still stunned at what just happened. The camera then panned to Brian and Tyler, who were both still drunk, getting a little carried away.

"Money, money." Brian sang drunk as he was urinating beside the wall.

"MONEY!" Tyler also sang drunk finishing the song.

Lois then came towards Peter's direction, whom was chatting with Coco and Jonathan about his victory. John followed with her.

"Peter, I had no idea you were such a philanthropist." Coco said to Peter.

"It's a fabulous vase, Peter, darling." A woman in a gray dress praised Peter from behind, "Do you collect _objets d'art_?"

"Well, if that's French for Star Wars collectors glasses,' then _si_." Peter answered.

Everyone laughed along with Peter. Mr. Brandywine then came up to the latter.

"Mr. Griffin, you're the most generous man since Ted Turner." Mr. Brandywine praised Peter.

**Cutaway #5**

Ted Turner was shown at a podium, appearing to be giving a speech.

"Uh, uh, I'd like to announce that I'm giving a gift the whole world can appreciate." Ted Turner announced, "I'm gonna colorize the moon. By the way, does my chin looks like an ass?"

**End**

"Peter, you don't have a $100 million dollars!" Lois reminded Peter, trying to bring him back into reality.

"Of course I do, my dear." Peter assured to Lois, oblivious to her warnings and then turned to Mr. Brandywine.

"Now, will that be cash or check?" Mr. Brandywine asked Peter while writing down the amount the latter owed him.

"Drop by Cherrywood this evening." Peter told Mr. Brandywine, "I'll have the money wired to me from my Swiss bank account."

"Ah, very good, sir." Mr. Brandywire replied.

"You don't have a Swiss bank account!" Lois informed Peter.

"Right." Peter chuckled after hearing her, then whispered to Mr. Brandywine, "My, uh, Lawyer's advised me to keep some of my assets a secret. In case things don't work out."

"(heavy sigh) I'm going home with John and Tyler." Lois informed Peter, having had enough, "Come along, boys."

"Right behind ya, Mrs. G." John said to Lois as he was now carried a passed out Tyler, who snored heavily.

"Wait, where's Brian?" Lois asked.

It then cuts to Brian outside next to the Society's valet parking.

"Listen, I told this blonde inside I got a 500SL." Brian negociated with the employee, "Can you help me out?"

Later that night at Cherrywood, Lois was now in a green, formal dress talking on the phone about her decision.

"I'm sorry, but I've made my decision." Lois said on the phone, "We're moving back to Quahog just as soon as we can get packed."

"Thank goodness." John, in his regular clothes, responded to what he heard from Lois.

It then shifted to Meg, who was also in a light-purple, formal dress.

"Ugh, Quahog?" Meg scoffed, "That one-horse town?"

**Cutaway #6**

It showed only a horse in the middle of an empty town.

"Hey, shut up." The senile horse said to himself as he was clearly insane from being the only one left in town, "No, you shut up. No, you shut up. You shut up. You're the one talking. Well, there's no one else here. OKAY, EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UP! (gasped and whispered) What's that? The wind,"

**End**

"A pox on Quahog!" Meg declared as she spat, which Sebastian was coincidently there to catch and was also holding the phone she was talking on, where the latter soon hung up.

"(groans in pain) Easy!" Brian pleaded suffering from a hangover.

"(groans in pain) Yes, please!" Tyler agreed also in his regular clothes and also hungover.

"Well, Tyler. That's the prize you get for having your hangover." Lois told Tyler, "I hope you learned a lesson."

"(groans in pain) I sure have." Tyler said to Lois, "The only glass you'll all see me drink is root beer!"

"Said the guy who drink, like, two shots of gin." John said afterwards.

"Yeah, well, that's gonna be the only time, because I'm never drinking again." Tyler swore.

"Gin." John said.

"WHERE?!" Tyler excitedly reacted, but his headache kicked in, "AAHHH, MY HEAD!"

"If I ever go back to Quahog, it'll just so I can poor people with a stick!" Chris, now in a tux, remarked.

It was revealed that it was all at the dining room table. Peter then entered the room, still as Lord Griffin.

"Mmm, Bon Jovi, everyone." Peter greeted the family.

"Now I remember why I left Newport!" Lois spoke, "It changes people. You kids have lost your values. You've lost your mind! And I don't much care for Stewie's new friends."

"Friends?" John and Tyler asked in unison.

**Cutaway #7**

It cut to Stewie sitting in a room with billiards and was chatting with three gentlemen.

"Yes, yes." One of the men spoke in a British accent, "The Pacific Rim economy is still a tad shaky for my taste."

"Oh, oh, stop it! Stop it!" Stewie butted in, "Now, look here. You ca't become a bloody fiscal hermit crab every time the Nikkei undergoes a self-correction! Asia's market has nowhere to go but up!"

"Interesting." The man Stewie argued with acknowledged smoking his pipe.

"Indeed." Stewie then remarked.

**End**

"I hate this place." Tyler complained.

"Same here." John said, "Let's get out of here."

Peter then let out a snobbish sigh at their statements.

"Here, old chap. Go buy yourself some more money." Peter told John as he handed him a couple of bills in his hand.

This got John angry as he suddenly shredded the money Peter gave him and went into a fit.

"RRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!" John screamed, "IHATETHISPLACEIHATETHISPLACEIHATETHISPLACEIHATETHISPLACE!"

He was then lifted by the arms by Sebastian from behind.

"May I escort Master John to his quarters, madame?" Sebastian suggested to Lois.

"That would be great." Lois answered, "Thank you, Sebastian."

Sebastian then exited the room carrying a roadrage John easily.

Later, Peter was in the library when Tyler and Brian entered the room.

"Hey, old beans." Peter greeted the two as Brian soon held up one of the latter's _Star Wars _collectors glasses, "Hey, hey, what are you guys doing with my _Star Wars _glass?"

"Illistrating a point." Brian answered, "Tyler."

"Thank you." Tyler replied as Brian handed him the glass and stepped up to Peter, "Mr. Griffin, when Han Solo took the Millenium Falcon to Cloud City, he found that Lando Calrissian had turned control of the station over to Darth Vader. Lando had forgotten who he was. It was only after Han was encased in carbonite and taken by Boba Fett to Jabba's Palace that he was able to see the error of his ways."

"That's right." Brian spoke and turned to Peter, "Look inside yourself. You're not a Newport millionaire. We created you."

"And in a way..." Tyler then joined and soon with a dark tone in his voice, "... we are your fathers."

"That's not true!" Peter said in disbelieve tearing up, "That's impossible!"

"Damn it, Peter!" Brian said to Peter, "Snap out of it!"

Tyler then threw the glass at the floor.

"Noooooo!" Peter exclaimed as the glass breaks upon impact and Peter shook his head and he was back to normal, "Ugh. Geez, I just had the craziest dream where I bought a $100 million vase."

"A Mr. Brandywine from the Historical Society is at the front gate." Sebastian came in and informed Peter, "He'll be here in half an hour."

"That wasn't a dream, Peter." Brian informed Peter about what he did, "He's here for the money."

"Ah, guys, I'm screwed!" Peter panicked.

"Yeah, you sure are." Tyler remarked.

"If I welsh on that debt, I-I-I', just gonna prove to everyone that I'm not good enough for Lois." Peter sulked, "If only I had something worth that much money. Man, I never should've dropped Mean Joe Greene's jersey."

**Cutaway #8**

We see Peter having a sip of a Coke when Mean Joe Greene walked past him.

"Good game, Mean Joe." Peter praised Mean Joe Greene, "You want some of my Coke?"

Mean Joe accepted Peter's drink and took a sip as Peter then began to leave.

"Hey, kid." Mean Joe called Peter, "Catch." He then tossed his jersey toward Peter, recreating the famous Coca-Cola commercial.

"Wow, thanks, Mean Joe." Peter thanks Mean Joe.

However, unlike the iconic commercial, Mean Joe Greene then tossed all his other clothes on top of Peter. This then caused the latter to run away.

**End**

"Hey, wha-what about this house?" Peter suggested having an idea, "I can just give him the house and call it even."

"Cherrywood isn't worth a $100 million." Brian then informed Peter.

"It's worth a million or two, at the most." Tyler then remarked.

"Guys, it's the Historical Society." Peter reminded the duo, "Look, we just gotta convince him that $100 million worth of history happened here."

It then cut to a carving on a wall reading "Jesus Was Here 2/15/57 BC."

"So you're saying that Jesus carved his name into this mantle 51 years before He was born." Mr. Brandywine calculated Peter's statement.

"Yeah, He's Jesus. He can do anything." Peter responded as he turned to his left, "And look over here." it then showed a large hole in another wall, "That's where the stock market crashed."

"Mr. Griffin." Mr. Brandywine said to Peter, but the latter cut him off.

"Oh, I'm telling you, you can't take a step in this house without uncovering something historical." Peter then said as he tapped the floor below, which made a train whistle noise, "(gasp) Wha-wha-wait a second. Could that be Harriet Tubman's secret underground railroad?" He then pulled a piece of floorboard out from under him and revealed a toy train, "(gasps) It is! Go, Freedom Train, go!"

"I've seen enough." Mr. Brandywine announced annoyed, "I happen to know that nothing of historical significance ever occurred here. Please, have our money ready by tomorrow. Good day!" He then stormed off.

"W-W-Wait, wait!" Peter called to Mr. Brandywine trying to get him to come back and snatched a rock fron a stand, "Look, this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock!"

"Plymouth Rock!" Tyler corrected Peter from at the door.

"What's going on now?" John came in and asked Tyler about the situation.

"Mr. Griffin tried to convince the man he owes money to." Tyler told John.

"He is?" John asked, "But I thought he was-" John paused for a second before saying, "You got him back to his senses, didn't you?"

"Yep." Tyler answered.

After that, John and Tyler were with a sulking Peter, where Lois in a coat and a hat and carrying suitcases came in.

"Excuse me, Lord Griffin. Your family is moving back to Quahog." Lois informed Peter before leaving, "If you get tired of being a snob, look us up. Time to go, boys."

"Lord Griffin is dead, Mrs. Griffin." John then told Lois.

"He's right." Peter said to Lois, "It's just me, Peter the towel boy."

"Peter, you're back!" Lois exclaimed as she dropped her back in joy and went over to him, "Oh! let's go home!"

"We can't. I sold our home." Peter reminded Lois, "Our beautiful home with the stolen cable..."

"Yeah." John agreed, "And the video games right beside the TV."

"... And the little man with the penis for a light switch." Peter then reminisced.

"Even though I'm still never going near it." Tyler remarked.

"So, we'll find another place." Lois insisted.

"Eh, your Aunt Marguerite is probably laughing at me while she's BURNING IN HELL-may she rest in peace." Peter then stated, "She was right. Everyone was right. I'm no good enough for ya."

"Mr. Griffin, that's just what they say." Tyler assured Peter, "Do YOU think you're good enough?"

"Not to be with my wife, I don't." Peter stated as he then left the room hanging his head in shame.

"Peter." Lois called out to Peter and went after him, leaving John and Tyler by themselves."

"Aw, man, this stinks." John sulked, "There's gotta be at least some way to pay Mr. Griffin's debt to that place."

"But how?" Tyler asked.

"Hang on, alright? I'm thinking, I'm thinking." John responded as he leaned on the right side of the fireplace to think of a solution.

Meanwhile, Lois caught up with Peter in the hall.

"Peter, wait." Lois said to Peter, "I don't care what anyone else thinks. Tyler was right. All that matters is that I love you."

"I love you, too, Lois." Peter reinstated that as soon as he and Lois shared a kiss, it cut back to John and Tyler in the room, where John accidentally discovers a secret switch while he was still leaning on where he was. It then opened a secret compartment behind a nearby painting of Lois' Aunt Marguerite and revealed a box covered in dust. John picked up the box and looked inside. What he found was just what he was looking for.

"Tyler, I think I've just found the answer to our problem!" John then informed Tyler about his discovery.

The next morning, John and Tyler went over to the Newport Historical Society and showed them their latest discovery.

"Our mansion is historical, alright." John said to the society, "Cherrywood was America's first presidential whorehouse!"

"There's Lincoln." Tyler explained as John flipped photos, "Grant." Another photo flipped, "They even let Robert E. Lee in once."

"Those are fake!" Mr. Brandywine scoffed as he tried to snatch the photos, but John and Tyler kept pushing him away.

"Oh, they're real, alright." John restated.

"And, uh, FYI, Lincoln had the jungle fever." Tyler then informed Mr. Brandywine.

It then cut to the Griffins back in their old house watching _The Cosby Show_. It then showed Cosby with his son.

"So, you see, Chubby Franklin lived across the street." Cosby said to Theo, "You see, and Chubby Franklin would always always make a face like this." He then made a weird face as the laugh track played in the background.

"Dad, you're not listening. I have a serious problem." Theo said to his father, "I got a girl pregnant. What do I do?"

"And when we saw Chubby Franklin make his face, we would all make this face." Cosby then said as he was clearly not listening to his son and made another weird face. He continued doing this and shaking his head until it literally popped off, freaking Theo out.

"Oh, God!" Theo panicked as he was now standing on the couch, "Oh, oh, my God!"

Cuts back to the family on the couch.

"Hey, boys. I just can't thank you enough for what you did for me back at Newport." Peter said to John and Tyler about what happened back at Newport, "I really appreciate it."

"No problem, Mr. G." John said to Peter.

"Yeah, it was nothing." Tyler then said.

"But, I'm still wondering how you managed to even get our house back." Peter then told the boys.

"Simple." John responded, "We just offered the people we sold Cherrywood to double what they paid."

"We were gonna go triple." Tyler then stated, "But then we thought, 'Na, that just seemed selfish'."

"What?" Lois exclaimed, "How could you two afford that?"

"We kept one of those Lincoln pictures and held a little auction of our own." John told Lois as he held up an issue of the _National Inquirer_ that had the aforementioned photo on the cover.

"Well, thanks to old honest Abe, we have our house back and John and Tyler helped me learn a valuable lesson; it doesn't matter if your family doesn't think I'm good enough for you."

"That's right, because all that matters that's important is that I love you." Lois assumably finished Peter's statement.

"No, because your ancestors were nothing but a bunch of pimps and whores. Hehehehehe." Peter corrected Lois rubbing his nose in her ancestors' faces before turning to John and Tyler, "Right, guys?"

"Uh, sure, why not?" John assured Peter unsure of the moment.

"Whatever floats your boat." Tyler followed.

The all three (Peter, John and Tyler) gave a thumbs up at the audience before the credits.

(A/N: I was originally going to even add ending credits to each episode this season, but then I felt that was a little too much. What do you guys think about that? Let me know in your review. Anyway, I hope the second season premiere of Family Guy JT will be a blast. See ya.)

**The End**


	2. Holy Crap

**Chapter 2: Holy Crap**

**Opening Credits**

_It seems today that all ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

_But where are those good, old-fashioned values_

_On which we used to rely_

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who_

_Positively can do_

_All the things that make us_

_Laugh n' Cry_

_He's_

_a_

_Fam_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**End**

It was just another regular day in the Griffin house and the Griffins (minus Peter) were watching TV as usual.

On the TV, it showed a woman talking with a doctor in his office.

"Mrs. Lipstein, I have bad news." The doctor gravely informed his patient, "The tumor's malignent. I'm afraid you only have six months to live."

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Lipstein reacted to the news.

Then the "got milk?" campaign logo popped up.

"Got milk?" The narrator questioned.

Cuts back to the family on the couch.

"That commercial made no sense!" Tyler acknowledged.

After that, Peter appeared and turned off the TV with the remote.

"Hey, listen up, everybody!" Peter said to the family, "Your Grandpa Griffin is finally retiring."

"Grandpa Griffin?" Meg asked her father.

"Who's he?" John also asked as he, Meg, Chris, Stewie and Tyler turned to Lois.

"Is he that guy that smells like firewood and has those big gray pussywillows in his ears?" Chris asked Lois, whose eyes popped at the last thing Chris mentioned.

"Chris, that's a terrible word." Lois said to Chris, "'Pussywillows'."

"My dad worked at that mill for 60 years." Peter lamented while looking at a picture of a mill, "That's almost 80 years." He walked over to the family, "Tomorrow night, they're throwing a big dinner and we're all gonna be there to honor him."

"Why?" Meg asked Peter, "We barely know him."

"And we never met him." John joined in, "That includes me and Tyler."

"Yeah, how come he never visits us?" Chris soon asked.

"Maybe he hates us." Tyler assumed.

"No, Tyler. It's not that." Lois affirmed to Tyler, "You see, kids, your grandfather has never been comfortable with the fact that I'm not Catholic."

It then flashbacked to Peter and Lois' wedding just as their leaving the church. But when they reached the limo, they were surprised to find the sign behind it, "Just Married" had another sign underneath it reading, "To a Protestant Whore."

It then cut back to present day.

"Hey, hey, hey, dad loves all of us." Peter assured the family, "He-He's just too busy working to show it. He's been that way ever since I was a kid."

**Cutaway #1**

It was set at a father-son picnic where a man was on a stage announcing the results of a previous event.

"And now the winners of the father-son three-legged race." The man announced holding up a ribbon, "First place, Bobby Hammill and his dad." He then gave it to a boy whose leg was tied together with his father's as they moved along.

"Second place, Jimmy Lawson and his dad." He then announced and handed another ribbon to another boy with his father and they moved along.

"Third place, Peter Griffin and a stalk of corn." He announced just bluntly, then just pinned the ribbon onto the stalk tied to the young Peter.

**End**

"Well, now that he's retiring, me and him can finally spend some time together." Peter continued, "I want us to have one of those father-son moments, like on TV. You know, where we hug and the music goes, _La-la-laaaa_."

It then panned to show a band next to the stairs behind Peter and they played the song Peter was singing earlier.

"Like that?" Tyler asked Peter.

"Yeah, Tyler, just like that." Peter replied and turned to the band, "Thanks, boys."

"Hey, can you guys do that fluttery thing like when the Brady kids run down the stairs?" Brian asked the band, who played the theme while the kids from _The Brady Bunch_ then appeared running down the stairs, from Brian's exact words. However, Cindy stopped at the last minute.

"I don't want to tattle, but is Bobby really a doctor?" Cindy asked before departing, followed by the trombone player doing a short sputter.

The scene shifted to the Quahog Mariners Banquet Hall, which was where Peter's father's dinner was being held; the sign also had a slogan underneath reading, "Now free of that urine smell". Inside, the Griffins were eating with Peter's father, who was the only one eating at the moment.

"Mom, I can't eat." Meg whispered to Lois, "I'm too grossed out by grandpa's ears."

"Tell me about it." John agreed, "For a second, I thought they were the hedges back when we were living at Cherrywood."

"I know." Chris soon joined in as he leaned a bit looking at his grandfather's earhair, "They're like a big, gray enchanted forest."

"Kids, your grandfather's ears are not gross." Lois told the kids, "And they are certainly not an enchanted fo- TYLER!"

It soon showed Tyler leaning at Peter's father's ears with a magnifying glass.

"Hey, it is like an enchanted forest." Tyler acknowledged Chris' comment, "I can even see gnomes."

It then panned from a shot of the old man's face to the inside of the ear Tyler was looking into as wind was blowing through the hair as if it were long grass. Then, actual gnomes came out of the hair.

"Let us run to the meadow and dance." The gnome on the right said to his partner in an unknown language.

"You first." The other gnome replied, "I'm self-conscious."

Cuts back to the dinner and showed a man walking up to a podium with a partyblower. He then blew it.

"But seriously, tonight we here at Pawtucket Mill celebrate the career of our oldest and most dedicated employee, Francis Griffin." The man announced as he then started applauding for the latter, "Francis."

Everyone else joined in on the applause as Francis got out from his chair and went up to the podium. Peter then whistled and went back to applauding for his father. Francis received his award, which was a pocket watch and went to the microphone.

"At mass this morning, it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again." Francis speeched to everyone, "I just want to say that Jesus loves you. But in my eyes, you're a bunch of sinners and slackers who forced a hard-working old man to retire." He then picked up his watch, "So, you can take this shiny watch and shove it!" He discarded the watch in the distance.

Everyone gasped in shock of what just happened, except for Stewie, who appeared glad instead.

"I adore this man!" Stewie praised.

"Shut it, mutant." John and Tyler said to Stewie in unison. They then looked back at Francis.

"Wow, I see him differently now." Tyler remarked.

"You and me both." John replied.

It cut to the family driving home with Francis.

"Hey, that was some speech, dad." Peter said to Francis.

"Yes, it's a shame grandma wasn't there to hear it." Lois said in the back.

"Bless her heart." Francis remarked, "She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas."

**Cutaway #2**

It cut to an elderly woman at a poker table in a casino.

"Hit me, you five-card stud." The grandmother said to the card dealer, then hackingly couch, "Cocktail!"

**End**

"Aye, she's a rose." Francis reminisced, "It's a pity you couldn't find yourself a nice Irish-Catholic girl, Peter." This caught both Peter and Lois off-guard.

"Ohohohoh, Francis, this must be embarassing for you." Lois sarcastically chuckled at Francis' comment, "But I'm in the car."

"So, tell us about yourself, Mr. Griffin." Tyler said to Francis.

"What do you want to know?" Peter asked Tyler.

"Not you." Tyler told Peter, "Your dad."

"Oh. Well, now that you mentioned it, since my dad is now retired, he's coming to stay with us." Peter said and then turned to Francis, "You hear that, dad? No more excuses. I'm putting my foot down." Peter slammed the brakes, where John, Tyler and Brian were then flung forward and hit the front.

"Geez, guys, buckle up." Peter said to John, Tyler and Brian now on the car floor and went back to his dad, "Eh, what do you say, dad?"

"I don't want to be a bother." Francis responded.

"Uh, it's no bother, is it, Lois?" Peter said and asked Lois.

"Of course not." Lois assured sarcastically while rolling her eyes upward, "It'll be fun."

"You're a good woman, Lois." Francis praised Lois, "Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. What's that place where all the lost souls and unbaptized babies go to again?"

"Purgatory?" Tyler said on the ground.

"Ah, there we are." Francis said.

"Eh, there you go, Lois." Peter assured to Lois, "You love kids."

"That reminds me." Francis acknowledged and turned to Peter, "Peter..."

"Yes, dad?" Peter answered.

"... Who are these two on the floor?" Francis asked about John and Tyler.

It was now time for bed as John was walking out of the bathroom in his pajamas. Tyler also came out of the bathroom, also in PJs and they were both about to head for bed when they noticed Peter and Lois by the door of Stewie's room.

"What's going on over here?" Joh asked Peter and Lois at what they were doing.

"Hey, boys. Heh, look at that." Peter said to John, "Dad's reading Stewie to sleep, just like he never did for me." The last part had both John, Tyler and Lois with shocked looks on their faces.

Stewie was on Francis's lap while he was reading from his Bible.

"So God cast the pagans and sinners into the fiery bowls of Hell..." He closed the Bible as he read it and took Stewie to his crib and tucked him in, "... where their flesh burned in agony forever and ever."

This made Stewie satisfied with excitement as he then happily began sucking his thumb before going to sleep.

"The End." Francis greeted Stewie goodnight.

(A/N: Okay, I know this was meant as a joke, but where exactly in the Bible does it say what Francis supposedly read? Seriously. I've read the whole New Testament and I never found anything like that. Sorry, I got a bit touchy on my religion. Anyway...)

"Ah, children love a good bedtime story from the Bible." Francis said.

"Yes, charming." Brian remarked on Francis' comment, "Like when God told Abraham to kill Isaac?"

**Cutaway #3**

It then cut to Abraham Lincoln with... Isaac from _The Love Boat_, who was serving a woman her drink. Suddenly, Abraham pulled out two pistols and shot Isaac, leaving the woman in panic.

**End**

"You do know that God was just testing him, right?" John asked Brian.

"Whatever..." Brian shrugged off John's question and left, leaving him alone with Tyler, Peter, Lois and Francis.

Then early the next morning, Peter in a suit bursted through the kitchen door and opened up a seat for Francis, who took it.

"(Yawn) That was a lovely service, Francis." Lois complimented.

"Super." Meg came in and replied, "And only three more hours till school."

"I would've preferred just going on Sundays." John said, also coming in along with Tyler.

"I didn't even know there was a 5:00 am mass." Chris acknowledged about his discovery, "I didn't even know there was a 5:00 am. What else haven't you told me?!"

"Now, I-I rather like this God fellow." Stewie also acknowledged, "He's very theatrical, you know. You have pestilence here and have a plague there. Omnipotence! Got to get me some of that."

"Uh, yes. We-We all enjoy reading the Bible in this house." Peter said trying to get his father's approval.

"Really?" Francis responded, "What's your favorite book of the Bible?"

"Uh... uh..." Peter stuttered trying to come up with an excuse to help him pass by, "Uh, the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital?" Peter then gave out a nervous grin on his face in hopes that it worked. Francis, however, only gave Peter an unsatisfied glare, leaving Peter disappointed.

Later that day, Tyler was banging on the bathroom door.

"Open the door, Chris!" Tyler ordered Chris, who was the one occupying the bathroom, "I gotta go!"

Francis passed by and moved Tyler aside and started banging on the door in Tyler's place.

"You heard the young man, open this door!" Francis ordered, "Open it, I say!"

The toilet flushed and Chris opened the door.

"Sorry, grandpa." Chris apologized, "Uh, Tyler, you might want to give that a minute or two."

"I know what you're doing in there..." Francis said to Chris, "...and it's a sin!"

"What?" Tyler asked Francis, "Going to the bathroom?"

"No..." Francis replied as he leaned in and whispered into Tyler's ear what he meant.

"What's that?" Tyler asked, still in confusion.

Francis whispered into Tyler's ear again.

"Oh." Tyler replied, understanding now, but then thought, "Wait, I don't think-"

"And if you ever do it again, boy, you'll burn in Hell!" Francis threateningly warned Chris.

"But I do it every day." Chris informed Francis, "Sometimes twice."

"Mark my words. Both of you." Francis said to both Chris and Tyler, "You may think you're alone in there, but God's watchin'." Then focused on Chris, "Don't do it again!" He finally stormed off.

"God's watching me do number 2?" Chris asked, "Oh, man, I'm a sinner and God's a pervert."

"Chris, I think he might've got it confused with something else." Tyler reassured Chris, "And besides, God's not a pervert."

Next, Meg was walking into the patio while coming home from school.

"MEGAN!" Francis shouted from in a chair behind Meg, startling her, then lowered his voice, "How was school?"

Meanwhile, in the living room, John was passing by drinking a soda, when he then heard Meg's voice from behing the patio door.

"Uh, good." Meg responded calmly from inside the patio, where John leaned in and eavesdrop on the conversation, "Kevin walked me home."

"Kevin?" Francis asked in confusion.

"He, uh, lives next door." Meg informed him.

"He lives next door..." Francis repeated, "...to a harlot!"

Hearing what the old man said caught John by surprise.

"What?!" John reacted.

"Grandpa, we were just holding hands." Meg informed Francis.

"Well, it'll be easy for him to take your hand when God strikes your sinful heart with leprosy." Francis remarked, "He can take it right home with him!"

John couldn't believe what he was hearing as he got outraged by this injustice and bursted in.

"John?" Meg exclaimed.

"Hey, look, gramps! I don't care what you heard or believe in..." John protested against Francis, "...you do not talk about your granddaughter like that! Ever!"

"And who are you?" Francis asked John.

"You're kidding." John said, "We just met, like, last night. Remember?"

"Oh, yes. Yes, I remember now." Francis replied, "But why are you here?"

"He lives here with us." Meg explained.

"So, this boy lives with a harlot? Has this house have no shame?!" Francis asumed, "But more importantly, why shouldn't I talk about my granddaughter?"

"Well, because last time I checked, judging others for doing even ordinary things in their lives drags you to Hell!"

Francis didn't respond for a moment or two to John's answer.

"Lord, it's great to see you kids." Francis remarked as he gave Meg a farewell kiss and left the room.

"Hey, uh, John." Meg said to John, "About what you said to my grandfather, why did you do that?"

"Come on, we're friends. Remember? Friends stick by each other's side." John responded, "And besides, he's your grandfather. He shouldn't be saying those mean things, especially towards his own grandchildren."

"Gee. Um... thanks, John." Meg thanked John as she left the room feeling a bit touched about what John said. Though, she still felt a little uneasy about what her grandfather had said.

John was the last to enter the living room where he found Lois, Brian and Tyler watching _The Dick Van Dyke Show_.

On the TV was the intro to said show, where the main character entered his home and greeted his wife and son. He then walks into the living room and trips on the footstool. He gets back up, but ends up tripping on and stattering a glass coffee table, leaving with several shards of glass impaled all over his body. He screams in agony and tries to pull out the glass shards, but backs up into the ironing board, where the iron lands directly on his face and burning it. He agains screams in pain and backs up while his hands are on his face. He soon ends up in the kitchen and slips on a wet puddle on the floor, slipping and smashing right into an active oven. He gets caught on fire and plummets on the kitchen table and he tries to get back up by holding ont the handle of one of the drawers, but the drawer is pulled out and had a bunch of utensils inside which land right at his face. He quickly gets back up and tries to pull the utensils out, but for some reason, a car bursts through the wall and crushes him.

Cuts back to living room.

Francis is right next to the TV with the remote and turns it off.

"Francis, we were watching that." Lois said to Francis annoyed.

"Now we'll never know how it ends!" Tyler said in outrage.

"Well, I'll tell you how it ends." Francis told them, "Laura burns the roast and God kills her for parading her bum around in those pants!"

"Thanks for ruining the ending!" Tyler said to Francis in outrage as he storm out of the room.

Then, it cut to a baseball game at night. Peter was there with Francis, hoping for a chance to bond.

"Yeah, not a bad way to kick off your retirement, huh, dad?" Peter said to Francis, "Yeah, the magic of baseball has brought fathers and sons together for millions of years."

Francis, however, only shrugs it off and wasn't interested at all.

"Stewie's having fun." Peter acknowledged looking at Stewie.

"Why-Why does that man drop his club before he runs around?" Stewie qondered, "I'd bring it with me!"

"That's a baseball bat, Stewie." Tyler reassured Stewie, "You're supposed to drop it."

"He's right, Stewie." John agreed, "If he had brought it with him, then he would be out."

"DAMN!" Stewie cursed.

"Hey, who wants a Fenway frank, eh?" Peter suggested, "Nothing says, 'Please talk to me, daddy,' like a Fenway frank."

"That's true." Tyler agreed."

"Is there a bathroom here?" Chris asked, "I don't think I can wait anymore."

"In a public restroom, lad?" Francis questioned Chris, "For the good of your soul, show some restraint." This caused Chris to sit back down in defeat and pain.

He-Hey, hot dog guy!" Peter called out to the hot dog salesman.

"I'll get him." Francis insisted.

"Mr. Griffin, they bring them to you." Tyler reassured Francis.

"Well, la-de-da." Francis said.

"It's called 'customer service'." John then told Francis, "Ever thought of that?"

"I don't need my food brought to me. I'm not a broken-down old mule! I can still work! I can still take orders!" Francis then headed up the bleachers and stormed off.

"No, that's not what I meant!" John called out to Francis, "UGH! Stubborn, old man."

"Oh, hey! Hey, look! Hey, dad! Hey, dad, look! Hey, dad! Dad! You gotta... L-Look!" Peter called to Francis as he jumped up and pointed at the scoreboard, where it's display screen played a special message showing an image of Peter blowing a "love-you" kiss while it read, "DAD I LOVE YOU - PETER." Peter looked up and realized Francis was already gone to see it, "Uh, look! Aw, crap. That was money well spent."

Eventually, Peter was home in the living room staring out the window while John, Tyler, Lois and Brian are gathered around the couch.

"He just left without saying anything?" Lois asked Peter about what happened at the game, "Wh-Where would he go?"

"Maybe he went back to work." Tyler guessed.

"I don't know." Peter answered as he turned to her, "I-I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks. And besides, Tyler, my dad's retired. You know that."

"I think that's a possibility." John stated agreeing with Tyler's suggestion.

"I don't care if he ever comes back." Brian then said, which gave looks of shock and surprise from Peter, Lois, John and Tyler. No one said anything for a few seconds.

"Are you finishing the song, or do you really mean that?" Tyler asked Brian deciding to break the silence.

"I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead." Brian answered.

"I can live with that." John replied.

It then cut to Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons on Channel 5 News on the TV.

"Well, Tom, the city of Boston is examining its conscience tonight in preparation for a visit from The Pope." Diane said to Tom.

"That's right, Diane. And I'll tell you what else will be examined; my cock here." Tom then said to her seemingly suggestively, until he pulls up a rooster (aka cock), "Yes, the Rhode Island Cock Society will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week." He placed the rooster on the table, "I don't know why they went with such a suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with 'rooster.' Diane?"

(A/N: Originally, they wanted Tom to say "My cock." So, since my version of Family Guy will feature all the material they weren't able to put into their episodes, I thought I might do them a favor.)

Cuts back to everyone on the couch. Peter was looking out the window again.

"I'm tellin' ya, something must've happened to him." Peter panicked, "H-He's probably hurt, o-or lost, or-or, shanghaied by pirates!..."

"What now?" Tyler exclaimed.

"...That renegade pirate ship captained by the ruthless Peg Leg Swantoon!" Peter soon said when the phone rang and Brian got up to answer.

"Peter, calm down." Lois reassured Peter, "It's his first night of retirement. He's probably out enjoying himself."

"He's in jail." Brian corrected still holding the phone.

It cut to the Quahog Police Department. Inside, a police officer was escorting Francis out as the family bailed him out.

"Dad. My God, are you okay?" Peter asked running to Francis in worry and got slapped in the face by the latter.

"Don't be using the Lord's name in vain!" Francis threatened.

"He's okay." Peter said in relief, "Thank God!" Soon after, Francis slapped him again.

"Uh, you do realize what he said there actually a blessing, right?" John asked Francis to see if he was aware of that, but got slapped in the face without answer.

"I'll take that as a 'no.'" John then assumed.

"Uh, seems like he broke into the old mill after hours." The officer explained what happened, "We found him working on a kick press."

"Dad, you left the ball game with me to go work in a mill?" Peter asked Francis realizing the situation.

"Now that is a sin!" John stated in disgust.

"Yes!" Francis answered breaking away from the policeman, "I want to work! I want my job back!"

"But, dad, you're retired." Peter reminded him.

"I'd rather be dead." Francis responded.

"Dead? I'll tell you what's dead. Vaudeville." A man dressed in barbershop quartet attire said to Francis appearing out of nowhere, much to everyone's confusion, "You know what killed "em?"

"What killed them?" Tyler asked the man.

"The talkie pictures. That's what." The man answered.

"Of course!" Tyler exclaimed.

"But you can still make it, kid." The man said turning to Francis, "You just gotta have a gimmick. I, for one, am a tumbler. Here, watch my round-off. Ooff." The man then tried to pull off a tumble-roll, but ended up lying on his back on the floor, "Hey, kiddo, be a sport. Take the pills out of my pocket and put one on my tongue." He then looked at Lois, "Hey, honey, you want to be in the pictures?"

Later that same night, the family was back at the house. Peter was in the kitchen with Lois, John, Tyler and Brian.

"I don't get it, Lois." Peter said to Lois, who was pouring herself a cup of coffee, "Baseball's always been the secret to male bonding. It even worked for Rosie O'Donnell and his father in _ A League of Their Own_."

"Peter, I hate to say this, but it doesn't seem like your dad isn't interested in bonding with you." Lois assured Peter, "All he cares about is work."

"Wait a second. Work! That's what'll bring us together." Peter acknowledged after his lightbulb lit (not literally), "We can start our own father-son business."

"You mean like _Sanford & Son_?" Tyler asked Peter.

"Yeah, exactly like _Sanford & Son_!" Peter answered.

It then shows what they meant. Inside Peter's imagination, everything was that of the TV show _Sanford & Son_, with Peter as Lamont Sanford, where he opened the backdoor of his truck and a couple of bathtubs pour right out of there, and Francis as Fred, the main character of the show.

"Hey!" Fred (Francis) called to Lamont (Peter), "Watcha doin' with all them bathtubs, you heathen dummy?"

"Pop, why you gotta be like that?" Lamont (Peter) asked back, "We cut 'em in half, stick a Virgin Mary in them and sell them as shrines." He then showed his father a custom Virgin Mary shrine made from the half of a bathtub.

"That my boy." Fred praised, "At least, that's what your mama always told me. Now gimme a hug before I gave ya a knuckle sandwich." Both father and son then hugged in rejoice.

Right after that, it cut back to reality with Peter hugging himself in front of Lois, John, Tyler and Brian.

"Wow." Tyler exclaimed, "Forgive me for saying this, but that... was sad."

"Or you could just get your father a job with you at the toy factory." Lois soon suggested.

"That's an even better idea!" Peter acknowledged Lois' suggestion, "Lois, you're a genius. Now give me a hug before I give you a knuckle sandwich." The sound of that gave Lois a look of worry on her face as she backed away a bit from Peter, while John, Tyler and Brian just simply walked away.

"Peter. Peter, I can't hug you." Lois stated hoping he'll stop, but he kept coming toward her, "Peter, cut it out. Peter, I'm serious. Peter!" She then suckerpunched Peter in the stomach.

The next morning, Peter and the boys took Francis to their workplace, where they were showing him around.

"...And this is the nerve center of the whole factory, my station." Peter explained to Francis, "I assemble our new action figure, Zeek, the moody drifter."

"You mean to tell me you stand here all day playing with dolls?" Francis questioned Peter's job.

"No, you're not getting the message." John reassured Francis, "He assembles toys."

"Yeah, it's not easy." Peter agreed, "See-See, I gotta twist on his head and stick a tiny pack of smokes in his torn denim jacket." He then held up the said toy in front so Francis could see. He pressed the button on the back of the toy.

The toy then produces a a slight cough.

"Any of you kids want to see a dead body?" The action figure then asked.

"I do!" Tyler answered.

"Too bad, kid." The action figure told Tyler.

"Awww..." Tyler moped in disappointment.

Mr. Weed then passed by them.

"Oh! Uh, w-wait here, dad." Peter said to Francis handing him the action figure and running over to Mr. Weed, "Hey, uh, Mr. Weed?"

"Peter." Mr. Weed greeted back.

"Listen, I was wonderin' if you might have a job for my dad." Peter asked Mr. Weed.

"Your father?" Mr. Weed repeated, "He must be a man of at least 70."

"Oh, yeah, but he's in great shape, eh?" Peter reassured, "Well, uh, except his prostate. Man, 2:00 AM last night, I thought a horse was using the bathroom."

"Peter." Francis called to Peter where the camera zoomed to Francis with all of the action figures finished, "All finished. What's next?"

Everyone gathered around Francis and stared in amazement at the latter's work.

"I don't believe it." John responded in disbelief.

"You did my whole day's work in five minutes." Peter said to Francis.

"That's impossible!" Tyler exclaimed.

"We should sell you to the circus, you freak!" Peter then praised Francis, then teasingly elbowed the latter.

"I've never seen such productivity." Mr. Weed acknowledged, "How is this possible?"

"I'll tell you how it's possible." Peter told Mr. Weed, "Because this man always put his job before everything else; his wife, his health, even his own son. Especially his own son."

"I need hear no more." Mr. Weed told Peter, "Everyone, this is your new shop foreman." He leans in and shakes Francis' hand, "Welcome abaord, sir. Lead as you see fit." He then left.

"Dad, after all these years, you and me together, side by side, father and son. Eh?" Peter said to Francis.

"Peter, this is truly a miracle." Francis acknowledged in gratitude, "I'm so grateful."

"Oh, hold that thought." Peter halted Francis, "Hey, boys. You're on."

The band from earlier in the episode were right there and played the first piece of music they did earlier.

"Go ahead, dad." Peter told Francis reaching his arms out to him, expecting a hug. Francis, however, knelt down and prayed.

"Thank you, Jesus." Francis prayed, "I have a purpose in life again." He got back up, "Hey!" He then shouted viciously at everyone and suddenly pulled out a whip, "Break up the sewing circle and get back to work!"

It was later night time back at home. Everyone was in the kitchen ready for dinner, while Stewie was reading a Bible.

"My, my, what a thumping good read!" Stewie astonished, "Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours. I say, you won't find that in _Winnie the Pooh_."

"Oh. Please don't say 'pooh.'" Chris begged Stewie in pain as he got up and left the room.

Suddenly, Peter bursts open the door whilst collasping onto the ground.

"Peter, are you alright?" Lois asked Peter in concern, "Where's your father?"

"Still at the factory." Peter answered, "He's turning the break room into a chapel."

"A chapel?" Lois repeated, "Where will you all eat lunch?"

"Lois, lunch is a sin." Peter informed Lois sarcastically, "Taking a break is a sin. Bestiality is a sin. I'm not sure how that came up exactly, but me? Me and dad have never been closer. Having him at the factory is the best-" Peter soon passed out where his unconscious nogin got impaled by a fork he was wielding upwards, but it wasn't deep. Just by the tips. This left everyone caught by surprise and a bit of horror.

The next day, all the employees were working as fast as they could while quickly assembling the action figures non-stop and repeatedly saying "I got it."

"Hey, Peter, your dad stinks." One of the employees told Peter, "I'm working triple shifts and I'm still not Employee of the Week. Ho-How am I supposed to compete with that?" He then lifted his arm up to show a small portrait of Jesus, Who Is Employee of the Week.

"Hey, where is He anyway?" Peter asked.

**Cutaway #4**

It cut to a couple of men playing golf.

"Well, Rick. This'll be for my fourth birdie." A man in yellow golfing attire said to a man in light-blue golfing attire, "Looks like someone's going to be cleaning out my apartment for a month."

"Oh, come on, Jesus." The other man prayed, "Please help me make this shot." He then took a stroke and tapped the ball to the hole. But it soon seemingly stopped right at the edge of the hole.

"Ohhh. Tough luck, Richard." Golfer #1 said to the golfer.

While everyone was about to leave, the ball then instantly fell into the hole.

"Hey, boss. The ball just went in!" One of the men who accompanied the golfers told Golfer #1.

"WHAT?!" Golfer #1 exclaimed in disbelieved.

"Yes!" Golfer #2 cheered, "Thank You, Jesus!"

It soon showed Jesus in Heaven.

"Your welcome." Jesus said to the golfer.

**End**

"Back to work, all of you!" Francis ordered everyone outside his office, "What's going on here?"

"Uh, dad." Peter asked Francis, "Uh, some of the guys think that.. Well, since you took over, work is no fun."

Elsewhere, John and Tyler visited and decided to give Peter some lunch, despite the latter not allowed when they stumbled across Peter's discussion with Francis.

"Work's not supposed to be fun." Francis told Peter.

"But why not?" Peter asked.

"Why not?" Francis repeated in disgust, "WHY NOT?! That's Satan talking! You're a failure as a worker and as a father!"

Hearing this finally got Peter to think otherwise.

"Now wait a minute." Peter stood up and protested, "I may not be perfect, but at least I love my kids enough not to spend every minute of the day working! I'm a damn good father, and that's more than anyone can say about you!"

This got everyone by surprise, even John, Tyler and Francis.

"Peter, you've never spoken to me like that before..." Francis acknowledged, "... You're fired!" Francis then slapped Peter hard in the face.

"HEY, YOU!" John shouted to Francis, "I WANT TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU!" John then walked over to Francis with Tyler, "Not only have you proven you're a horrible father figure, but even since me and my buddy've gotten to know you, we've seen what you truly are."

"Oh. So, you finally see me as a righteous Man of God and have come for my forgiveness." Francis assumed.

"No, you don't deserve forgiveness for what you committed against these people." John corrected Francis, "As far as I can tell, YOU'RE the sinner!"

Everyone gasped in shock at what John called Francis.

"How DARE YOU! YOU'RE FIRE, TOO!" He was gonna deliver another slap to John, but the latter caught and grabbed the old man's hand and held it firm. John then glared at Francis for a moment before letting his arm go and walked away.

"Tough luck, because I don't even work here! Come on, Tyler." John called Tyler, whom did as asked.

"Me a sinner?" Francis muttered under his breath, "Why, that ungrateful-"

"Well, i-in that case, I'm suing you for sexual harassment." Peter said to Francis as he took Francis' hand and placed it on his rear to make it look like he was molesting him, but it didn't seem to be working, "I'll see you at home."

Some time later after that, Chris tried to sneak over to the bathroom. Unfortunately, Carter was in the bathroom in a robe having finished showering and had caught Chris.

"What do you think you're doing, lad?" Carter questioned Chris.

"NOTHING!" Chris responded as he rushed back into his room.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Lois was giving Peter some coffee, who was now a wreck as he was in a robe and had a five o' clock shadow. John and Tyler were there with him while they were having some cereal for breakfast.

"Lois, something's wrong with your shower." Francis came in and said to Lois.

"Well, what's the problem, then?" John asked.

"The water's not cold enough." Francis answered, "I like me showers colder than a well digger's kerblocken."

"Oh, really?" Tyler asked, "I thought you might like the water hotter since it SUITS WHERE YOU'RE HEADED!"

"You and your friend will be the ones to suffer that fate, lad." Francis said to Tyler.

"I think it's time someone sits his kerfluffin down and has a talk with his unemployed son." Lois insisted to Francis about Peter's unemployment.

"If Peter needs to talk, he'd best go to confession and beg forgiveness for all his failings!" Francis insisted, not realizing what Lois actually meant, "Have a glorious day." He grabbed his suitcase and left for work.

"Peter, how can you just sit there and let him talk like that?" Lois questioned Peter as he placed Stewie's bowl of oatmeal on his high-chair.

"Ah, he's right, Lois. I'm no good." Peter said, "Even my own dad doesn't love me. Face it, I'm going to Hell."

As soon as Peter said that, flames then engulfed the screen as Peter imagined himself in Hell. There, he saw a couple of men playing poker and Peter easily recognized him.

"Wow, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth." Peter exclaimed as he examined each player on the table, then saw an unexpected face along with them, Superman, "Hey, wha- W-What are you doing here?"

"I killed a hooker." Superman confessed, "She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet, so I ripped her in half like a phone book."

The flames from before rose again engulfing the screen again, cutting back to the kitchen.

"Yes, the fat man's going to Hell." Stewie gloated, "And from the looks of his midsection, he'll burn like a tire dump for all eternity. Oh! I love God! He's so deliciously evil."

John took a look at where Stewie was at in the Bible he was reading.

"Stewie, this is Revelation." John pointed out, then realized, "Wait a minute. You mean you've been reading Revelation this whole time?"

"And nothing but!" Stewie answered.

This gave John an idea.

"Well, if you really love God, then take a look at one of His most famed works, The Book of John." John recommended to Stewie as he turned to the aformentioned Gospel.

Stewie soon began to read, hoping it would be to his expectations.

"AAAHHH!" Stewie panicked suddenly dropping the Bible on the tray of his high-chair as he was now in absolute horror, "No, this can't be! God isn't evil at all! He's... LOVE!" Stewie then spouted in horror.

"Stewie, eat your oatmeal." Lois told Stewie taking away the Bible from his hands and sitting down next to him as the latter then began quickly eating his oatmeal in worry, "Honey, you're a wonderful husband, a loving father, and, for some reason I'll never understand, a very devoted son."

"Your wife's right, Mr. Griffin." Tyler agreed with Lois, "If your father thinks otherwise, then he's the one to be going to Hell."

"That's a nice thought, you guys, but sadly, it means nothing coming from you." Peter said unconvinced.

"Then what will?" John wondered.

"Well, the moment has arrived at last." Tom Tucker said on the kitchen TV as it soon cut to him and Diane on Channel 5 News doing a very special report, "We now go live to Logan International Airport, where The Pope's plane has just touched down." It then showed from a bird's eye view a full shot of The Pope's plane having already landed. The crowd was mostly composed of nuns acting like rock band roadies with police keeping the crazed crowd back.

Suddenly, a man in a suit holding a corded microphone came out of the plane.

"Hello, Boston!" The man greeted the crowd, "Are you ready to humbllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeee yourself before God?" The crowd cheered wildly as a result. "What? Have you all taken a vow of silence? COME ON!" The crowd then went louder, "Then put your hands together for The One, The Only, His Holiness, The Pope!" The man then stepped down the stairway as The Pope then stepped out and greeted His followers.

It then zoomed out of the TV and back to Peter, who was intrigued by the event.

"Hey, I just got a crazy idea!" Peter then acknowledged.

"What is it?" Tyler asked Peter.

Peter went over to the other end of the table off-screen and brought out a waffle iron. He then inexplicably burns his hand in it.

"AH! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!" Peter screamed in pain as he got his hand out and swished it around a few times and then had his other hand on it, "(sighs) Nothing..."

"I think I've got a better idea." John acknowledged as he took Tyler with him and left the kitchen.

It then showed the Boston Budget Hotel, which was where The Pope was staying. The sign outside also said, "Welcome Pope." Inside were a group called "Pope-Alooza" in one of the hotel suites, where their manager was on the phone and the priests were reading the Bible.

"Huh." One of the priests exclaimed, "Hey, did you ever notice this? On page 375, it says 'Jebus'." They all then turned to mentioned page to check it out, while the priest who acknowledged it showed it to another one next to him.

"It's supposed to be 'Jesus', right?" The priest next to him said when John and Tyler came in disguised as bellhops.

"Room service!" John and Tyler both announced in unison.

"We didn't order no room service!" The manager testified.

"Well, uh, uh, actually, we-we just wanted to check to see if there's any stowaway paparazi in here." John said as he and Tyler stepped in, "The last celebrity that was staying here got ambushed in the bathroom."

"Alright, wise guys, who are you two?" The manager questioned the duo, seeing through their disguises.

"Look, we're just two guys who are living with a wonderful family in Rhode Island and the father there has a family crisis that only His Holiness can resolve." John confessed to the group.

"That's right." Tyler said, "So, please, won't you help?"

The priests looked at them for a moment before...

"Dust them!" One of the priests ordered.

"WHA- THIS IS WHAT WE'RE GETTING FROM YOU GUYS?!" Tyler shouted at them as a priest used his cane to drag both John and Tyler out of the room by their neck collars.

They stopped at a garbage chute in the hall, where one of the priests opened it and he and the manager threw the boys into it.

Outside, a man was waiting next to the dumpster, where John and Tyler came out of the chute at last, landed on and bounced off the pile of trash that was piling up from the dumpster and landed hard on the floor.

"My heavens! Are you boys okay?" The man asked John and Tyler running over to their side.

"Yeah, we just got bounced by The Pope's road crew." John answered.

"Good thing you boys missed me." The man said, "I'm set to drive the Popemobile and any slight bump on the head knocks me unconscious for a few hours."

"Really?" Tyler asked intrigued.

"Oh, yes." The driver chuckled, "I always wake up feeling fine, but it is just so darn inconvenient to be knocked out that easily. Even by the slightest tap or touch."

"You mean like this?" Tyler asked touching the driver's forehead with his finger.

"Yes, like tha-" The driver was about to say before dropping to the ground losing consciousness.

John and Tyler took a look at the Popemobile and then to the Popemobile's now unconscious driver. John soon developed an idea.

Later, the Popemobile was driving down a city street with The Pope inside as He was waving to the crowd cheering for Him. Inside were John and Tyler, now dressed in the previous driver's attire (and if you're wondering, Tyler was wearing a spare uniform) and then when nobody was looking, they took an upcoming right lane that coincidentally lead to Quahog.

It then cut to a scene from _Cool Hand Luke_, most specifically the chain gang scene.

"Taking it off here, Boss." Luke said to the Captain taking his shirt off.

"Take it off there, Luke." The Captain told Luke.

"Wiping it off here, Boss." Dragline said to the Captain taking a rag out and wiping off his sweat.

"Wipe it off there, Dragline." The Captain told Dragline.

"Waving at The Pope here, Boss." Luke said waving as the Popemobile passed by.

"Wave at The Pope there, Luke." The Captain told Luke.

Later, the Popemobile was still miles away from Quahog when The Pope began to wonder.

"Are you sure this is Boston?" The Pope asked John and Tyler.

"Yes, sir." Tyler answered, "And look over there, it's Harvard."

"That's just a barn." The Pope corrected Tyler.

"Geez, someone went to Yale." John remarked, "Hey, Tyler, since when do you know how to drive?"

"Huh. You know, I don't know. Oh, well." Tyler said as he continued driving without messing up.

Back at the Griffin home, Lois was mopping the kitchen floor,

"Hey, Mrs. Griffin, we brought company." John and Tyler said in unison off-screen to Lois.

"Careful, boys, I just cleaned the floors." Lois warned John and Tyler, picking up a plate of brownies as it panned to John and Tyler at the door with The Pope kissing the floor.

"Good thing." Tyler said.

"Mmm. Lemony." The Pope acknowledged.

Lois dropped the plate of brownies she was holding in surprise.

"Your Holiness, this is such an honor." Lois said to the Pope, glorified by His presence, "Please, go into the living room and make Yourself at home!"

The Pope then did just as Lois suggested, then Lois came up to John and Tyler.

"Boys, what is The Pope doing here?!" Lois asked John and Tyler.

"Well, Mrs. Griffin, we hijacked His bubble car so that He can help your husband, Mr. Griffin, convince his father he's a good man." John told Lois, who was shocked at what they told her.

"You two kidnapped The Pope?!" Lois reacted.

"Yeah." Tyler responded.

"Boys, this is the most reckless thing you've ever done." Lois told John and Tyler, "The last time something like this happened was when Mr. Griffin was on an airplane."

**Cutaway #5**

Peter was in an airplane, where he was staring at the emergency exit's warning label, reading "DO NOT PULL." Peter just stared at it, until he pulled the lever open, causing the door to break off and suck Peter out of the plane, leading him to fall to the ground below giggling in amusement.

**End**

In the living room, The Pope was getting along with everyone. John and Tyler were there glad to see that The Pope is already acquanted with the family and decided it was time to introduce Peter.

"Mr. Griffin, could you come down here for a minute?" John called out to Peter, who was in his room lying on the bed still feeling depressed like earlier.

"Sure" Peter answered as he got out of bed, left the room and went downstairs to see what John wanted, only to find The Pope in his living room, "What the hell? The Pope? W-What are you doing here?"

"We brought Him all the way here so that He'll help you out with your dad." Tyler told Peter.

"Yes, Peter, you've raised a fine family." The Pope praised Peter getting up from the couch.

"Yeah, well, my dad thinks I'm a screw-up." Peter said otherwise, "Hey, since John and Tyler brought You over here, I was hoping You could change his mind. He-He'd have to believe You. You're God's go-to guy."

Well, your father is entitled to his opinion." The Pope pointed out, "But more important is what you think. Look deep in your heart, my son. Do you think you're a screw-up?"

"Well..." Peter replied turning to his kids. It showed Meg, who smiled back at her father. Then it panned to the right where Chris was still was going through intestinal pain. It panned lastly to Stewie, who was polishing a sniper rifle and pulled it behind his back when he noticed Peter looking at him. This gave Peter some confidence, "No. I'm not. Y-You know what? I'm a damn good father. And I have great kids."

"Well, that's not what grandpa says." Meg stated.

"Well, grandpa is wrong." Peter reassured Meg, then sitting next to her, "Meg, it's not a sin for a girl your age to like boys."

Meg kissed her father on the cheek. "Thanks, daddy." Meg thanked Peter.

"And Chris, what you do in the bathroom is between you and God." Peter then said to Chris, "Ad if you're sorry, he'll forgive you."

"Thanks, dad!" Chris thanked Peter in relief as he rushed upstairs to the bathroom.

"Good for you, Peter." Lois congradulated Peter, "But isn't there someone else you should speak to?"

"Yes, there is." Peter said as he got up and went to... The Scarecrow?, "Scarecrow, you've had brains all along."

"Okay, this is not what we were talking about." John then stated.

"Same goes for your heart, Tin Man." Peter then said to Tin Man and then to, "And Kristy McNichol, come back to television." As you would guess, it was Kristy McNichol instead of presumably the Cowardly Lion, "We miss you."

"Peter, we meant you should talk to your father." Lois pointed out to Peter.

"You're right." Peter agreed, "You with me, Big Guy?"

"Peter, I go where I am needed." The Pope told Peter.

"To the Popemobile!" Peter exclaimed in a _Batman_-style sequence where after a trancision card showing The Pope's hat in a golden, spinning background, it showed Peter, John, Tyler and The Pope in the Popemobile as it exited through a cave, for some reason and reached the Happy Go-Lucky Toy Factory.

Inside, every worker was almost in the appearance of slaves as their clothes were tathered and worn-out while they were busy quickly putting together Furbys.

"Hey, guys." Peter came in talking to his old co-workers, "Remember when we brought in that stripper for Lombardi's birthday and it turned out to be his son? Well, I think this is gonna top it." He stepped away to allow The Pope to enter, where His appearance garnered everyone's attention.

"Wow, it's The Pope!" One of the workers exclaimed.

"Slothful sinners!" Francis criticized the employees, who went back to work, "You're here to work and earn money, not sit around with your-" Francis paused after he caught The Pope in his sight, "HOLY MOTHER! IT'S THE HOLY FATHER!" He kneels down and does a Sign of the Cross while doing so, "I am not worthy."

"Rise, my son." The Pope instructed Francis, "You are indeed worthy, for you have raise a fine son. His zest for life is an affirmation God's great love within us all."

"Wow!" Peter exclaimed in amazement, "And that's from The freakin' Pope!"

"See, Mr. Griffin?" John said to Francis, "This is what Christianity truly is. Looks like you were wrong all along."

"I was wrong, alright." Francis responded.

"Stand by, boys." Peter told the band from before, who got themselves ready.

"I was wrong about You!" Francis then said to The Pope, much to everyone's surprise, including The Pope's, "You've got soft on me, Holy Father! Even a tambourine-shaking Baptist could tell this boy's no good!"

"Are you accusing Me of deceit?!" The Pope questioned Francis in outrage of the latter's rude criticism.

"Whoa, easy, Your Holiness." Peter said to The Pope, trying to prevent a fight.

"Because I shall have the church inscriminate you for your inexcuseable-" The Pope warned Francis.

"Okay, time out." Peter exclaimed as he pulled both The Pope and Francis away from each other.

"We apologize on Mr. Griffin's behalf, Father." John apologized to The Pope.

"No worries, boys." The Pope assured to John and Tyler, "But, (sigh) I have never met such an intolerable, corrupt man. And Peter, you must truly be blessed with the patience of a saint."

"Well, he's my dad and I just want him to love me." Peter replied.

"Peter..." Francis astonished from behind Peter, "... how can you say such a thing?" He came up to Peter, "I love you with all my heart."

Peter then gave the band their cue to play, which they did.

"You do?" Peter asked.

"Of course." Francis answered, "I just don't approve some of the things you do. Such as the pornography, the drinking, the need to watch television all day instead of maybe spending time with your family. I just wish you would think otherwise sometimes is all." Then the music stopped.

"No, keep playing, you guys." Peter told the band, "I think this is as good as its gonna get." The music then played back on, "Dad, to be honest, I don't approve some of the things you do, either. Ah, jeez, that's a terrible thing to say. I guess I am going to Hell, huh?"

'And I guess that goes for us, too, for what we said to him, huh?" John and Tyler said to The Pope.

"Well, that depends on whether they deserved it or not, boys." The Pope assured to the duo, then turned to Peter, "Peter, the good Lord said to honor thy father. He never said anything about honoring the things he does."

"Well, in that case, dad, I promise that I'm gonna eat only fish on Fridays during Lent and eat meat before and after that, golf after church, laugh at Jewish humor, and yes, spend more time with my wife and kids." He then glanced at The Pope, "Uh, But I won't enjoy it whenever I sleep with my wife. She hates it." The Pope, however, only gave Peter a confused look on His face as to what the latter meant.

"Well, alright, then." Francis approved, "I'll be on me way. Take back your job, and give your old man a hug." He then formed a hug with Peter.

"I love you, dad." Peter said to Francis.

"I know you do, son. And the same goes for you, too." Francis told Peter as he stopped hugging with Peter.

"What are you gonna do now?" Peter asked Francis.

"I don't know." Francis answered, "I guess where the good Lord needs me the most, I assure."

"Well, we are looking for a new bodyguard for My tour." The Pope volunteered, "Perhaps maybe this will also serve as a form of redemption."

"Y-You'd give my dad a job?" Peter asked The Pope, "Even after the way he treated You, aftewards?"

"Peter, our duty as Christians is to help others in any way possible." The Pope said to Peter, "Even when they least expect it. And besides, as you said Peter, 'I'm The flippin' Pope.'"

Later that night, everyone was watching The Pope's tour on TV, where The Pope was returning to the church he works in.

"Alright, get back!" Francis, now a bodyguard, said to the crowd while the camera was focused on The Pope entering the church, "Sorry, but no flash photography in the chapel." He then approached the cameraman, "Alright, that's a rap. Now, turn that camera off or I'll turn it off for ya!" He then knocked the camera down to the ground, where it only showed a couple of people in pews.

Cuts back to the family.

"Well, I think your father found the perfect job." Lois acknowledged.

"Sorta." John and Tyler remarked in unison.

"Yeah, let's hope so." Peter stated, "I love being a good father, but I don't have to be a good son in front of my father again for a long, long time."

"Thank God." John praised.

"But what about your mo-" Tyler was about to ask Peter when a knock was heard on the door.

"Peter, open the door and break out the schnapps!" An elderly voice said to Peter from the other side of the door, "Guess who needs a place to sleep it off for the weekend?"

"Mom?!" Peter exclaimed.

"TYLER!" John shouted at Tyler.

"Oops." Tyler exclaimed.

"Oh, my God, NO!" Brian panicked.

"Quick, everyone!" Peter stated, "Into the pod!"

They all soon dashed into a hole on the wall next to the TV, where it closed shut and it was revealed to be an escape pod, where it blasted off into the sky.

**The End**


End file.
